The Covert Narcissist – Hiding in Plain Sight
Narcissist has become a bit of a buzzword that we associate with people that have an over inflated opinion of themselves and a big ego.
The media and television dramas often portray these people to be full of themselves, hostile and harmful.
This of course can be the case – arrogance, a belief that you are better than everyone else and a strong sense of entitlement are traits of narcissism, however because this behaviour is obvious to us it is called overt. There is another kind of narcissist that is more dangerous because their behaviour and manipulative tactics are covert, or under the radar.
Before I get into this further, lets be upfront with the fact that we cannot diagnose a narcissist.
It’s super unlikely anyone with this personality disorder would ever go for therapy of any kind or seek confirmation that they had an issue. This is because they believe at a core level that there is nothing wrong with them and they don’t take responsibility for themselves.
Why would they need help?
It’s YOUR fault not theirs!
Although we cannot diagnose narcissistic personality disorder, we can educate ourselves on the subject and identify traits that “point towards” the likelihood of someone being a narcissist.
These traits are sometimes referred to as Red Flags.
Getting back to the covert – in my opinion this is the most harmful kind of narcissist.
Their behaviour is so subtle that you are unlikely to see it coming, unless you have already been a victim before.
It is super important to know this, because part of the abusive process that they engage in will reduce yourself worth and make you doubt yourself.
You have done nothing wrong at all, and you are likely to be a big hearted and intelligent person if you have been chosen as “supply” for a narcissist.
If you are wondering whether you are being emotionally abused, then you may well be.
The subtle and covert tactics begin to seep in under your radar after the initial love bombing stage, and you probably don’t even notice them initially. These can look like tiny comments that are loaded in a way that you can feel it, but you can’t confront it.
Controlling your behaviour by rewarding you for doing what they want you to do, such as more love and affection if you take a rain check on that girls night out in favour of snuggling up with a movie and a takeaway – or the opposite of being a bit moody and off with you when you do choose to go out and socialise instead of being home with them.
You hardly even notice this at first, but after the third or fourth time you just feel its easier to “keep the peace” and stay home. After all they were totally right when they said you’d had a busy week and you were tired, gas lighting you into believing that this is actually something you are choosing and doing for yourself, but in actual fact you have changed your plans in order to avoid a consequence.
These examples might not sound like a big deal, but when you add a few more into the mix and over time they become ingrained, you can see how you start to become a different version of yourself. It is common for you to become isolated from friends and family and to find that your self-worth suffer and you don’t know why. This leads to further confusion and lack of confidence in your own ability to “adult” to parent and to function generally.
You simply don’t feel like yourself and you can’t put your finger on it.
This is when the narcissist can ramp up manipulation further, and they can step in and become your hero.
They will keep you right, don’t worry.
You’re tired, you’re stressed, you are confused.
They will help you with the decisions and to navigate through your life, they will be there for you and help you – thus you will be grateful and adore them even more and adapt your behaviour to suit their needs further and further without realising it.
Relationships are about compromise right?
And they are SO supportive with you.
They have even pointed out that actually your friend / family member that doesn’t like them is a trouble maker and really you should take a step back, you hadn’t seen this before but now they point it out you can tell its jealousy and you’re going to have less to do with that person.
Ironically its likely that this person loves you and can see what’s happening to you, and that makes them a threat to the narcissist so they take steps to isolate you from them incase their cover is blown. And of course they can more easily manipulate and gas light you when you have fewer external points of reference about what is “normal.”
You are way more likely to take their word for the way life is, after all you are a bit confused at times and they are your hero!
Does any of this sound familiar?
Lets look at some of the traits of a covert narcissist and see if any resonate with you.
1) Self Importance / Elevating Self
Overt Narcissists are easy to spot where this is concerned because they love to brag and show off.
Coverts will instead subtly pull other people down in order to elevate their sense of self.
This may look like they are minimizing accomplishments or gains of others, giving off put downs and not acknowledging wins.
2) Create Confusion
Also called Gas Lighting, this is a tactic to make you doubt yourself and give you a skewed view of reality. It massively affects your self-confidence, and you may find that you really struggle to make decisions and believe in yourself and your abilities. Tiny seeds of doubt are planted in your psyche that they water periodically so that they grow into further opportunities to manipulate you.
Often you are in a position where they become your “go to” person because they know best, you may misinterpret this as them being supportive and a real rock in your life, when actually they are the one that has been derailing you for a long time.
3) Treat You With Disregard
Waiting until the last minute to tell you that an arrangement has changed to create stress and get you on the back foot.
I was once told on a Saturday morning that I had been invited to a wedding at 2pm, I had no time to get my hair done, get something to wear or make plans at all.
The person that I was in a relationship with simply showered and put their suit on and attended the event alone, because I “couldn’t go.”
I had already accepted an invitation to the evening reception and was asked several times why I was not there at the church service, I had to fluff over it and was excruciatingly embarrassed.
Making a big fuss of other people’s achievements in front of you and not celebrating yours.
This might be the new car someone has bought, the fact that they have lost weight, their haircut or anything else.
Often this is done with the opposite sex in order to make you feel more insecure and then dressed up as “just being nice.”
4) Emotionally Stunted
These people are not emotionally accessible at all but they can fake it when there is a gain to be had.
An example would be the behaviour that we call Love Bombing in a new relationship, when they are looking to secure new narcissistic supply. This can include wining and dining, expensive gifts and a lot of “love” and attention right from the get go. It can often make you feel like this is what you have been waiting for, they are so different from other relationships you’ve had before.
It’s only once you are too far in that you realise that they are unable to connect on a normal and deep level, and probably use love and affection (and often sex) as things to withdraw from you in order to “punish” you if you don’t behave the way that they want you to.
These people can engage in other emotionally immature but highly controlling tactics such as ghosting you and not responding to messages, throwing a tantrum or having a huff.
None of these behaviours are mature and none seek resolution or demonstrate any level of respect or regard.
They are all designed to get you to pander to them and “work your way” back into their good books, where they can “forgive” you and manipulate you more and more.
Over time you change your behaviour to reduce the opportunities for their punishment tactics, so their manipulation pays off and they gain more control.
5) Lack of Empathy
These people cannot feel empathy and have no idea what it is like to be in any one else’s shoes but theirs.
Their world starts and ends with them, and they have no interest at all in anyone else, even their children.
They can however fake empathy when they know that it is either expected socially or when it will give them a gain.
An example might be that they donate to a cause in order to “help” yet really they are doing it simply to add to the fake persona that they are a good individual that is generous and charitable. Telling people that they have made a donation or doing it publicly is more their style, but doing so in a way that they hint at it rather than coming out with it.
They can pretend to be empathic with your situation in order for you to buy in more to them as kind and warm individuals, when in truth they are anything but.
They will only give when they can get – and that goes for their time, money, energy or anything else.
If they are getting their ego stroked or their fake self is being admired, then that’s a win for them.
This “empathy” will be short lived once they have what they set out to get.
6) Poor Me Story / Slur Campaign
When you ask them about former relationships, they will paint their ex in a really bad light.
Remember that these people do not take any responsibility, and if they can get you to believe that they were badly treated by someone AND it wasn’t their fault then this is a double win.
It is really common for narcissists to start a slur campaign about their ex, and the frustrating thing about this is that so many people believe them.
Do some digging if this is the story you are being given, try to fact find and ask other people if you can what they think or know.
Trust your gut feeling, if they are telling you that everyone before you was no good then ask yourself why.
A mature and emotionally evolved person will take responsibility for their part as well.
You may find that once you break up with a narcissist that you are a victim of the next slur campaign.
By nature a narcissist is very charming and personable to everyone apart from you.
This maintains their image and means that they can secure new supply more easily after a break up, especially if they can garner some sympathy for how awful you have been to them.
On close examination you will find that they have no genuine or close friendships, and that any friendships they do have are built on them gaining something.
For a victim it is devastating to be the target of their slur campaign, and adds even more to the feelings of worthlessness and despair.
There is no way of defending yourself against it, and the only thing that you can do is to know that the people that really know you will not buy into it.
These are only a few of the traits that you can associate with covert narcissists.
Again, we cannot diagnose but we can however educate ourselves on the red flags and signs that we may be being manipulated and emotionally abused.
Regardless of whether you are on the receiving end of narcissism, the behaviours listed here are still toxic and still abusive.
Some ways that you can help yourself include creating better boundaries, overcoming gas lighting by getting perspectives from other people in your life, improving your self-care and resilience and educating yourself about narcissistic traits.
A word of warning – before you start the journey and end up down the rabbit hole, you cannot help these people or cure them. They need to do their own work, and since they take no responsibility and believe that nothing is their fault, its super unlikely that they would ever try to change.
If you can leave a toxic situation – then its probably in your best interest to do so.
If you can’t, then get tooled up and do what you can to protect yourself.
I’ve got a whole load of content that could help you in my Life & Soul Academy.
You’ll find classes and workshops about coping with toxic people, hitting reset in your life, journaling techniques to help you heal and living as an empath in the real world.
There’s also a great selection of guided meditations and pre-created energy clearing sessions, and a fab Facebook community full of people like us.
Find out why many people find it life changing and how it could help you too!
As always, I hope this helps you and only take what you need.
Free Resources Page
Related Blogs
You Cannot Change Toxic People
Signs & Red Flags of a Narcissist
Are You a Victim of Gaslighting?
A Secret Ingredient in a Happy Relationship
Related Podcasts – Also on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon, Audible & Alexa
Gossip Ruins Lives – Raise Your Standards
Unfinished Emotional Business
Healing Through Creativity & Metaphor
Signs That You May Be Struggling
