First of all let’s clear up the term “toxic.”
It’s not me being mean, its simply a word that most people understand right away as a blanket term for people that are broken, not doing their work, living unconsciously and harmful to themselves and others.
I have been this person in the past, before I raised my standards, healed my past and evolved.
I’m not being judgy, and you shouldn’t be either BUT its necessary to observe and identify these people as fast a s possible and do what we can to protect ourselves and our energy.
Just because someone has had a struggle in their life, they have been through a challenging experience or event, or they have literally had life kick the shiz out of them – does not mean that its ok for them to treat you badly. I have been through massive stuff, and I am guessing you have had your share of it too. It can be the reason that someone shows up in a toxic way, but it should not be the excuse. This is when someone needs to own their stuff and do the work.
Whatever that looks like – counselling, therapy, coaching, nutrition or relationship expert or anything else. Many toxic people will not take responsibility for themselves and instead choose to blame other people and the world at large for the way their life looks, and they can often fall into a victim spiral and live in anger and resentment.
You cannot save these people.
Do you hear me lovely empath?
YOU CANNOT SAVE THEM.
You can sign post them from the side lines and you can suggest things that they can do, and then you need to stop.
Constantly validating them and giving your energy to their misery and their poor me story will drain you and fill them up.
Because toxic people thrive on drama.
They don’t feel whole and instead of healing themselves, they fill up this void with other people’s sympathy and energy.
You are NOT serving them or you if you keep doing this as a regular thing.
You will end up depleted and resentful and they are going to stay stuck anyway.
It is disempowering for you and them if you keep trying to fix them, perhaps this is the greatest lesson of their life and they are going to gain SO much learning and growth from it and finally wake up!
It’s not your fault that they went through the stuff they did, so don’t allow yourself to carry that.
As an Empath we take on other people’s stuff SO easily and it drags us down horrendously.
Let me ask you this – what is the POINT of you being depleted and worn out because of someone else’s stuff?
What does it gain?
Apart from you feeling rubbish?
EXACTLY.
So how the hell do you deal with toxic people?
First of all learn to identify them from the get go and keep the hell away or bolster your boundaries fast. I’m talking about the person at the party that gives you their poor me story and won’t let you get a word in edgeways, the colleague who is snarky when you won’t pull up their slack, the date that you had where all he did was love bomb you and get far too intense far too quick, the covert comments from your family member that are loaded and mean, and much more.
If you are already in the mix with them then you need to get smart.
I call it the Velcro effect when you begin to disconnect from someone in a quiet and subtle way, just like unhooking yourself bit by bit. Stop responding to every single text or tag on facebook, drop the odd call, be busy occasionally when they want to do something.
Start a private campaign to sidestep this person and gradually, without it being super obvious. These people LOVE drama and they will panic when a source of supply starts to move away. If you do this slowly you can minimize this and they will hopefully begin to spend more time with other “friends” of theirs that will listen to their story and validate.
Side note – you are not dumping this person on someone else.
The person they move on to may well not entertain it, perhaps you were the weakest link so that’s why you were always the favourite. If they do let them in, it might be because they need to learn a lesson in boundaries and here it is!
It might feel mean to you as an Empath to move away from a toxic person, but hear this – it is your Divine Responsibility to look after yourself, and to light the way for others. If you have given time and energy to try and help and sign post this person and they are not going to take action, then there is nothing more you can do.
If they CAN’T take action because they have mental health issues, then there are agencies and professional people that can support this. The kind and loving and responsible thing to do is to pass them over to people that can help and then get back on the side lines to cheer them on.
Otherwise, save yourself.
You absolutely do not have any obligation to drag anyone else through life apart from your kids, until they are old enough and responsible enough to drag themselves of course!
Related Articles
Signs & Red Flags of a Narcissist
Are You a Victim of Gaslighting?
Find The Courage to Change When You are Scared & Uncertain
