There are different kinds of narcissist and their traits will vary.
After experiencing significant harm from a person that I believe to be a covert narcissist, I vowed that I’d never be a victim again. Researching the traits of a narcissist and educating myself became a priority.

The DSM – Diagnostic & Statistic Manual that is used for making an actual diagnosis by mental health professionals states that at least 5 of the 9 traits must be present as follows in order to say that someone has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

1. Full of Self Importance
2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited power, success, beauty
3. Believe that they are special and can only be understood by other high status people
4. Require excessive admiration
5. A sense of entitlement
6. Takes advantage of others
7. Lacks empathy
8. Envious of others or believes that they are envious of them
9. Arrogant behaviour and attitude

Yes its a REAL disorder, not just a tag that we give to people that are self absorbed and manipulative.

Not everyone manipulative is a narcissist, and unless you are mental health professional you cannot diagnose anyone. You can however get a really good idea of what may be narcissistic behaviour and adapt your boundaries accordingly.

Although these may be the guidelines for a clinical diagnosis, here are some of my real life observations of how Narcissistic Abuse can play out – if you are in doubt about a person in your life and perhaps wondering if they could have some narcissistic traits, then you may want to consider this list.

1. They Believe That They Are Superior.

Even if they feign humility and shrug off compliments at times, observe them carefully and watch for signs of them truly believing that they are better than other people, including you.
Because in their own mind they are better than everyone else, they also have a strong sense of entitlement.

2. A Need for Validation and Adoration.

The validation and adoration that they need is also called Narcissistic Supply.
They need people to tell them how great they are all of the time.
This is easy to spot in the grandiose narcissist who brags all of the time about how amazing they are, but its harder to spot in the covert narcissist.

The covert (also known sometimes as a shy or vulnerable narcissist) will tend to put themselves down and display fake humility or a poor me narrative in order to draw out comments from others that tell them not to be so hard on themselves, they are a lovely person / a success / attractive etc.
Narcissists need a constant supply of validation and adoration so with prolonged observation you are likely to see repeating patterns,

3. They Need Control.

This makes these people highly manipulative, but only after they have you on the hook and you’re going to find it hard to escape. If they display manipulative behaviour too soon in a relationship, you would run a mile and their source of supply would be lost. They like to introduce their controlling behaviour slowly once you are invested in the relationship and once they have begun to isolate you from friends and family that may call them out.

They do this by being very intense early on and “love bombing” you so that you feel adored and loved.
This makes it less likely that you will want to leave and more likely that you will overlook their controlling behaviour as they start to introduce it, you’re more likely to dismiss examples as quirks or personality traits.
Many narcissists are clever enough at this stage to disguise their manipulation as “caring about you” and this has an even more destructive impact on your self worth as you adapt your behaviour to fit in with what they are suggesting to you, rather than you making up your own mind.

An example might be someone that tells you that you really don’t suit dresses and you look much better in jeans.
Even though you love wearing dresses you start to doubt yourself and you wear jeans more often, after all they love you and they are just trying to help you, right?

Before long the dresses that you used to love are at the back of the wardrobe never to be seen again and because there have been many other examples of manipulating you, you start to doubt your own ability to make decisions.
It is really common for victims of narcissistic abuse to struggle with decision making because they have been taught to doubt themselves in subtle ways over a long period of time.

Side note – when you finally realise that you are being manipulated and you stop allowing them to control you, they will act out with different types of consequences such as stone walling you, throwing a tantrum, with holding love and affection or whatever their most effective strategy is.

4. Fake Public Persona.

The narcissist is classically charming and outwardly kind.
They foster a public image that is based on them being a really good human and they can not only fake empathy when it serves them socially, but they can also read social cues and cultural expectations and fake behaviour to align with this in order to be considered to be one of the good guys or gals.

At home and away from an audience they are completely different and you have no idea why, its confusing and upsetting and psychologically torturous as everyone else who only ever meets their fake persona thinks that they are great. This leaves you feeling that perhaps its your fault and isolates you more.

The fake public persona also serves the narcissist very well at the point when the relationship finally breaks down.
They have already made those around them believe that they are someone decent, reasonable and kind – so when their partner finally flips and sees behind the mask the narcissist can tell everyone around them that this partner is unstable, toxic and that they ruined the relationship.

It’s a great strategy for the narcissist as they garner sympathy and validation from others which constitutes supply.
The victim however is left shattered and confused and unable to defend themselves as everyone now believes that they are a sorry excuse for a human and its all their fault.

5. Low Self Worth

At a very core level these people are very broken and not doing their own work to heal.
Their wounds run deep and are usually from childhood, wounds that have left them with crippling low self worth and the need to harm or destroy other people and their lives in order to feel superior and “worthy”.

6. No Empathy

Narcissists cannot feel any empathy so therefore cannot out themselves in your shoes and feel what you may be feeling. They are way too self-absorbed to see the world from any other perspective than their own, they will however fake empathy when it is to their advantage, they will have seen other people display empathy and they know that it is “the right thing to do” so they copy this behaviour when its expected in certain situations.

7. Emotionally Immature

A narcissist is inherently emotionally immature and is incapable of having a healthy and connected relationship.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is thought to have been formed in childhood due to different kinds of family influences and / or trauma and can leave a person emotionally stuck at the age where they experienced this and the disorder began to form.

Adult versions of childlike behaviour can often be witnessed such as blaming other people, give you a list of all of the good things they have done to outweigh their poor behaviour, cry or throw a tantrum, be mean and defensive, change the subject or minimize your point of view, hide or runaway or try to charm their way out of it.
None of the above behaviours are that of a well rounded and emotionally mature adult – fact.
They are toxic, manipulative and abusive and they are sadly used by narcissists on the regular.
They will be displayed when they do not get their own way, when they are exposed in some way or when they feel belittled or unworthy.

8. They Won’t Get Help

A narcissist believes that nothing is their fault and that there is nothing wrong with them.
In their distorted reality every relationship that they have been a part of that has been troubled, toxic or has broken down is due to the other person and not them.

Even though they are clearly the common denominator they are not willing to accept this as at a long shot may say that they are unlucky because they always attract people that are no good for them. It is actually usually the case that the narcissist pursues someone intelligent, kind and empathic and then over time abuses them until they are a shadow of their former self then discards them.

The fact that a narcissist will not get help is a useful thing to reflect on if you have been trying to fix them or the relationship, they won’t take any responsibility so therefore you absolutely cannot make positive progress.

They may however fake progress if they sense that you are going to call time on a relationship and they are in danger of loss of supply. You may find that love bombing increases and they may even say that they would go to therapy, my experience of this is that they will either not go and every week there will be an excuse as to why they couldn’t make it or they will go and manipulate the therapist.

9. Manipulation Through Gaslighting

A narcissist will have certain strategies that have worked for them in the past and they will try them on you.
Gaslighting is very common whereby the narcissist will subtly distort reality and make you doubt yourself.
This is highly damaging to self worth and coupled up with the fact that they are usually isolating you from family and friends at the same time, you start to lose a healthy frame of reference and you come to rely on their opinion even more. You lose your sense of self and your confidence begins to get eroded, this allows them to “take care of you” even more and “help you” when it comes to making decisions and managing your life.
As mad as it sounds, it’s likely that you don’t even know this is going on.

10. A Past Poor Me Narrative

A narcissist will have a past narrative or story that they will spin you that explains why they are single and why things have not worked out in the past for them. It will paint them to be a victim and other people will be cast as the villain, however they may fake some responsibility here and there if they think it will draw you in and make them more likeable.

They often have no references that you can draw on from their past because when they leave a relationship or situation it is often because they have been exposed. The narcissist cannot afford for a new primary source of supply to find out that they are in fact a manipulative and toxic individual, so they burn their bridges fast.

They rarely have meaningful long term friendships because they can’t sustain them, any long term friendships are built on them being able to manipulate people that don’t know they are being manipulated or they are very surface level and they only ever get to see the fake persona that the narcissist has created.

I hope you have found this helpful, and if you are recovering from being in any kind of relationship with one of these individuals please know that you can get through it, heal and find yourself again.
If you are currently in a relationship with someone that is abusive, please reach out to those near you and get some help and support or contact agencies that can help should you need it.

No matter what you have been programmed or worn down to believe – you are precious and you deserve a happy life.

If it is safe for you to do so please leave me a comment and let me know if you resonate.

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