Gas Lighting is a technique used by manipulative people to make you doubt yourself and see their version of reality as true, and to give your power away to them.

It creates confusion and robs you of your self esteem and confidence, often slowly so that you don’t notice that it is happening.
It makes you question your sanity and your ability to recall events and experiences clearly and is often used by narcissists in a covert and sneaky way.
Gas Lighting chips away at you gradually until you become a lesser version of yourself.

This kind of manipulation is literally crazy making, it leads to you feeling a whole mixed bag of emotions and unfortunately can often play into the hands of the manipulator, as they tell people around you that you are losing a grip on reality / drama fuelled / toxic / need help etc.

It’s deliberate and its highly toxic.

It can range from comments about what you thought happened at a party last week that give a completely different version to you, or even moving things, hiding things and literally make you feel like you losing your mind.

Gasighting is a technique that when used consistently, will make you feel like you are reliant on the abuser for a perspective on “reality.”
When it is used alongside other techniques (such as The Push Pull of giving you love and affection one time and then suddenly changing and withdrawing it, leaving you upset and literally living for the next moment that you can earn that love and affection back again) it is highly controlling, and the shocking thing is that most people don’t know its happening to them.

Now you are in a situation where the toxic person is THE person that you depend on.
And that is exactly what they wanted all along.

1) You always second guess yourself.
You can’t rely on your own recollection of events entirely, you lack confidence and certainly when making decisions and you doubt yourself as being capable.
This is because someone has been telling you that your version of events and reality is incorrect, so you start to build beliefs in your own mind that you can’t see life clearly and that you cannot rely on yourself.

2) You make excuses for behaviour, comments and other things in order to protect the toxic person or save face for yourself and avoid humiliation.
If by chance someone does witness or suspect that someone is treating you in a way that is not ok, they might pass comment or ask questions.
Side note – this is something that you are likely to do anything to avoid and you may try damage limitation ahead of time, so that the gaslighting is not exposed. For example you may take the blame for something and say you deserved it, say you like something when you don’t or play along with someone poking fun at you even though you are hurt.

Usually gaslighting happens in private, so that the toxic person can have maximum leverage and there is no one around to challenge them or give you an alternate frame of reference.

If questions are asked, its likely that you are so keen to avoid a consequence or have your version of “reality” challenged that you will defend their behaviour and cover it up or make excuses for them.
If you find yourself doing this it is often an indicator that you are being manipulated.

3) You lack self-confidence and self-worth.
Feeling unworthy and not good enough creeps in, and this makes you even more powerless when the toxic person showers you with love and affection intermittently, because you feel that they are your brief validation for the fact that you might be ok as a human being.
4) You feel like you can’t do anything right.
Feeling like you are going to mess up at whatever it is you need to get done, have a go at or apply yourself to.

5) You may feel anxiety and socially isolate yourself.
The toxic person who is gaslighting you will feel that this is a win, because the more they can isolate you the less people you will have around you that could expose them as being emotionally abusive. Also the less “real” references you have around you, the more likely you are to buy into the story that the gas lighter is spinning you, and the more reliant you become.
After all they are just “helping” you because they love you, right?

So what if this is feeling familiar to you?

Maybe the penny is starting to drop that perhaps you could be the victim of this kind of emotional abuse.
There are some things that you can do to help yourself, one of which is of course to leave an abusive situation if at all possible.

Secondly you can learn to trust yourself again by fact checking.
Ask conscious people that you trust to recall an event and tell you what really happened.
Tell them what you are being told and ask them if this is true.
When you get their response this may create confusion if it is in opposition to what you have been told by your gas lighter, the more fact checking and story checking that you can do the more you can start to rely on yourself again and trust your own judgment of reality and see that the gas lighter is manipulating you.

Validate your own feelings through journaling.
When you have been told many times that you are not feeling the way that you are, or your feelings are invalidated in other ways (subtle digs, sarcasm) then you can stop trusting the way you feel and this further lowers your self-esteem.
Sitting with your feelings throughout or at the end of the day and naming and claiming them can help you in the moment and also give you something to look back on if your feelings are challenged in the future.

Keep a diary of events, what happened, what was said and so on.
Side note – this in itself is a bit crazy making and something that I would only really do short term to give me some evidence that I was infact being manipulated, and then I’d make safe and healthy plans from there. I would not want to live in a reality where I was having to record everything so that I could look back on it when challenged to check that I was in fact right about the recollections and feelings I had.

This can be useful short term to help you to see that you are infact right though, and this can improve self confidence in your own ability to recall things and start to build a belief that actually you are not crazy and that you are bring manipulated.

Positive self-talk and celebrating your own success can help you hugely.
Once you have started to establish what is true, switch your self-talk in this direction.
Remind yourself that you are capable of making good decisions, seeing things clearly and joining up the dots yourself.
Identify the wins of the day and give yourself a big pat on the back.
Did you make a decision about something and stick to it?
Did you create a boundary?
Did you stand up for yourself?
Even if these are in little ways, acknowledging them is confidence building and affirming that you ARE capable.

Set boundaries and say no more often.
If you have been gas lighted and manipulated then you are likely to have weak boundaries and you may have become a people pleaser as a result.
This is often due to the fear of someone else’s reaction or the fear of getting something wrong.
It’s easier to just go along with what other people say and want than asserting yourself, and as empaths this is even harder because we feel the weight of other people’s emotions and saying no can mean that we feel really bad when we “let someone down.”

Toxic people reacting in ways like silent treatment, huffiness, withdrawing love and affection or having an angry outburst can all condition you to comply with what they want and behave in ways that serves them and not you.

Initially you may feel like you are acting this way and “compromising” because you love someone, but be honest with yourself – are you afraid of their reaction in some way?
Or if not afraid – do you find that you are modifying your behaviour in order to avoid a consequence?

Be mindful of what YOU want and feel.
When you are in a situation where you are being gas lighted you can totally lose touch with yourself and how you feel. Being present and as mindful as possible about your own feelings and emotions is a great place to start and maintain more of a connection to yourself.
Mindfulness apps on your phone, meditation, creative colouring in books, crafts, walks in nature and anything that you love will help you to get back to who you are and is essential for you to start to feel good about yourself again and know that you are capable, worthy and precious.

I hope this helps.

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